Each Day of My Life Is a Struggle

Photographed on 9 June 2019 off of a main road.

Someone whose opinion is momentous to me gave me the feedback yesterday that she perceived this blog as a portrayal of a perfect life. Of a perfect Johann.

To be honest, I was puzzled. Because that’s not my intention, nor do I want to be perceived that way. I’m not perfect and have no plans to draw an artificial portrait of myself. On the contrary — superficiality and the tendency to present oneself flawlessly are a thorn in my side. I value authenticity and to share it has been an essential maxim since the beginning of this blog.

On the occasion of being (potentially) interpreted differently than I am or want to be, it is important to me to offer a realistic picture of myself and my current emotional world. Thus also this blog gets a stronger personal backbone.

All That Is Discernible Is Only a Small Part of a Big Whole

The entry photo was taken last Sunday. I would like to use it as an analogy to the subject of perception. The flaking scraps of paper unmistakably reveal an 🐘, although a lot of its surface is bare. The shadowy contours are sufficient to recognize the animal as an elephant. As observers, we fill the rest of its surface, which has become one with the building wall, with a texture that in fact does not exist, but only emerges through our imagination. We cannot deduce half of the elephant’s former form, but can only guess what it looked like as a whole.

In the figurative sense, all articles written so far are the contours. I’m the elephant. If now based on this my entire personality would be concluded, if one would deduce from everything positive on the rest of my person, a distorted picture would originate. Everything I share only represents a portion of myself. What remains intangible are the vital parts that make my person me in the first place.

I was astonished by a comment on the very first blog entry, a friend who was fascinated by how I would have written the article down in this quality. I corrected this assumption immediately — the evenings of a whole week were devoted to the article. I looked up individual words whose appropriate English counterpart I couldn’t think of (I knew how to express it in German), read the entire article several times and revised it just as often. Every post is anything but “just written down”.

Only through the commentary and yesterday through the words of that person did I realize how an article can have an effect, how this blog can have an effect.

Everything written on this blog is only an excerpt of my life. This blog does not do justice to my emotional world. Nor should it. And yet I wish that no false conclusions are derived from any alienated picture of me.

A Balancing Act Between Personality, Professionalism, and Privacy

This blog is not a diary. Which is neither its purpose. A diary is something secret, something dear to keep at home safely. I pondered for a long time how I would like to run this blog. My realization was to share what comes to my mind and what I consider worth sharing. I like to incorporate aspects from my life and my emotional world, but without attaining the intimacy of a diary.

Through this blog, I also want to document my professional development. And as personally as possible.

The one whose opinion motivates me to write this article is very familiar with who I am and criticized the perfect facade she felt I would build. An essential proof ought to have been the Selfie from my last digest.

I don’t share Selfies on social networks. Here on my blog, I have a lower inhibition threshold of sharing because all content belongs to me. Also, when just looking at the selfies, one can’t feel the instant or see the people who surrounded me. It was a special moment with beautiful coincidences. In this photo, I also recognize myself and some character traits which are dear to me. How often do you honestly recognize yourself to a somewhat full amount in a picture? For me, it’s not often the case.

The strength the photo has for me will remain hidden many viewers. I understand that this photo can be assigned other attributes or the purpose of self-presentation. It was a wonderful moment for me to think back to and share.

By writing “this person”, I don’t do justice to the person I speak of. But I don’t want to make any classifications or assign importance to people I’m talking about. After all, this isn’t a conversation but a blog for the world to read.

What I Am Going Through Right Now

Every day is a struggle. I sleep badly and little.

Everything that occupies us during the day, we also take to bed. And since we don’t become other people at night, our mind continues to deal with our problems. That is usually great, because thereby great cross-connections are made. In this way, we find solutions to problems that we wouldn’t have come across during the day.

But the night is also my crux. While I can direct my attention as well as I can during the day, at night my subconscious takes over and gives me painful dreams. My bed, the night, is currently no resting place for me. I’m frightened of the night.

The break-up with my girlfriend last year is an event in my life that still sucks a lot out of me. I never met a special person like her and found my home with her, which I now so painfully miss.

I’m doing my best to rebuild my life. I fight every day and give my best to grow as a person. I’m appreciative of the therapist I have. Our weekly meetings are fundamental to me.

I’m grateful for the people who support me, stand by me. I’m even more grateful to these people that they endure long conversations with me.

So I’ll keep sharing what I feel like. And with pleasure moments in which I can unfold and feel the joy of life.

You Feel Me?

Hopefully, I could sketch a picture of me that you can grasp.

A Listening Recommendation

The much-underrated artist NF recently released his new song, which I heard last week in a constant loop. I can only recommend his album Therapy Session from 2016.

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